The article describes how family members are also harmed by their loved one’s criminal behavior. It shows the need for restorative interventions that can help many families deal with the harm they suffer.

The article describes how lawyer Nader Hasen, whose cousin is the psychiatrist from Ft. Hood who shot and killed people, met with one of the murdered victim’s relatives. Today the two are working to prevent similar horrors.

Our mainstream justice system largely ignores the needs of those harmed by crime and instead mainly focuses on identifying and punishing people who commit crimes.

Here is a copy of my comments to the Time’s piece:

Thank you Mr. Kovaleski and NYT for bringing attention to this serious problem basically ignored by the mainstream justice system. Restorative justice on the other hand offers hope. For the last 6 years we have been providing a process for families to meet with loved ones who are accountable for wrongdoing in prison. We have provided 73 Huikahi Restorative Circles to date that 369 people have participated in. The healing these Circles have brought to children, parents and other family members has been overwhelming, 100% of the participants, that includes prison staff, believe the process was positive. Here is a paper on line about the process: http://www.uscourts.gov/uscourts/FederalCourts/PPS/Fedprob/2010-06/06_restorative_circles.html Thank you again for this piece.

After watching the documentary movie Flight From Death: the quest for immortality (http://www.hulu.com/watch/173530/flight-from-death-the-quest-for-immortality), I better understand what compels my work.

Restorative processes bring people face to face with terrible loss. Not only material losses, but also the painful “social losses” they suffer. Sometimes the social loss is more damaging than the material loss. Even when a life is lost, when harmed people continue being resentful and angry, their loss can remain, and diminish their capacity to be happy.

Overwhelming feelings of shame and guilt often result from our bad and harmful behavior. Sadly, and very ironically, these feelings can also result when bad things happen to us. When I was almost murdered years ago, after my surgery and taking 4 months for my facial wounds to heal, I suffered terrible social loss. It took me about 20 years to finally stop being resentful toward myself. While I appreciated that the attack actually helped me find a better life within only months, it took me years to forgive myself. The physical and material wounds healed quickly, but it took much longer for the social harm to heal. The inspiration of all the people I met doing restorative justice work helped me finally heal.

Restorative processes give us the opportunity to face, and try to find some way to heal our pain from social and physical loss. It can help all of us, those who did the bad acts, those harmed, and the rest of the community.

Flight From Death discusses Ernest Becker’s work, (The Denial of Death), Sam Keen, and the fascinating research by Soloman, Greenberg, et al, and others.

Research shows the importance of being mindful of, and aware of, our eventual death for healthy relationships. One fascinating study was of a group of trial judges who were reminded of death, and then evaluated for their sentencing preferences. That research showed incredible results that I am sure none of the judges would have imagined.

Becker, Soloman, Greenberg, Keen, David Loy, et al, are right, we need to be aware of the finality of life in order to fully live it, and to live with less fear, and with less violence. We must remain vigilant in being conscience that life ends. This does not have to be a depressing subject either. It can make us grateful and loving. We can appreciate life more knowing it’s not forever.

Restorative justice helps us remember no one is immortal. We can find ways to deal with the worst losses in life, and even find meaning and lead better lives when terrible things happen. Mahalo Becker, Soloman, Keen, et al, for doing this important work.

Every single year, except once in 2002, I have bonked at xterra.

Bonking, a.k.a. hitting the wall, for anyone who doesn’t know this term, is when you’re pushing yourself physically hard in a race or hard work out, and suddenly you start going slow. I have become delirious in some races, “Where’s the trial?” I asked some people once at xterra. Wikipedia defines bonking as: “a condition caused by the depletion of glycogen stores in the liver and muscles, which manifests itself by sudden fatigue and loss of energy.”

I have bonked in other races too. This year a 24-hour mountain bike race had me bonking about an hour and half into it, and last year in a half marathon trail run it happened too.

After all these experiences, many discussions with coaches and trainers, and even Joe Friel who wrote The Triathletes Training Bible (www.joefrielsblog.com/), I have decided it is pushing myself for significant periods of time beyond what I trained for, and not getting enough calories that causes my bonks.

My daughter says that Mark Allen, Kona Ironman (IM) hall of famer, and former husband of Julie Moss (who had the most famous bonk of all time in the 1982 Kona IM), took in 700 calories every hour for his marathon during IM (my daughter also says he holds the current record for marathon run at Kona). I only eat about 250 or less an hour racing and training.

I’m a slow learner, but think I finally get it. I need to be more patient. Slow down and eat more calories. And while riding my bike today, I realized that the same concept applies to communication and dealing with emotional distress, as well as physical activity.

Last week on a listserv I belong, some people complimented my work. I got immediately embarrassed and felt shame, like others would think I was “fishing” for compliments. Immediately after feeling ashamed, I sent out an email that included “I am not special.” After I sent it I realized no one actually said I was “special.” Then I felt even more shame and emotional distress. Many, many times I have jumped in and responded to things, only to feel worse and not better after wards.

When we feel emotional, I have learned after almost 60 years of life, we need to simply feel our emotions, and not rush into any response.

If we wait, and let things settle down, we can deal with our emotions easier. They are not so raw and distressing after time has passed.

I love this part of a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke who is “considered one of the German language’s greatest 20th century poets.”

Let everything happen to you,
Beauty and terror,
Just keep going,
No feeling is final.

If we want to get better communicating, and heal from emotional distress, and if we want to go faster in races, we need to be patient, go slower, and settle down. Rilke is right, “no feeling is final,” and if we wait to communicate, and give unpleasant emotions time, we can appreciate this wisdom.

Colleen Shapel’s husband Bob, who was also her best friend for most of her life, was senselessly murdered in a February 2004 robbery. Melissa, Colleen’s oldest daughter, and William Schorr, a co-defendant who plead guilty to the murder, also participated in the restorative dialogue (another defendant who was determined to be most responsible for the murder refused to participate).

After I was first contacted, and until the dialogue was finally conducted six months later in July, I spoke on the phone with Colleen, Melissa and William frequently. I met Colleen and Melissa in person several times a few days, and William a few hours, before the dialogue.

I felt my job was to mainly listen to their pain, and simply be present with them in their suffering.

All three had been struggling for seven years. Colleen was still deeply angry and resentful. No question that her feelings were absolutely justified and understandable, but her hostility was making her life miserable. “They took my best friend away,” she sobbed at William Schorr’s sentencing. “They took myself away. There are days I can’t even function.” Seven years later Melissa felt, “I lost my mother too and not just my father.”

Since the murder, William Schorr had attempted suicide three times. He was haunted by his participation, and the terrible harm he caused. He had basically given up on life and felt doomed to a life of regret and misery. His guilt and shame overwhelmed him. “I can never forgive myself for what I did. It is unforgiveable. It tears me up. I go to bed every night reliving what happen. I can’t sleep and don’t think I ever will be able. I deserve to.”

As my conversations continued over the months with each person, I listened and we talked about anything they wanted. Eventually the idea of forgiveness came up with Colleen.

The word forgiveness triggers many emotions for people. It means different things to different people. While some restorative justice practitioners and trainers reportedly advise facilitators and mediators to, “Never mention the F word” to people they work with, I openly discussed forgiveness with Colleen.

Initially she explosively said, “I can never forgive for this!” I explained my understanding to her. “Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting Bob or dishonoring him. It is never right to condone bad behavior. Forgiveness can simply be taking the energy it takes being resentful and angry, and instead putting it into something positive that you want in life.”

Fred Luskin’s wonderful book Forgive for Good teaches forgiveness as a life skill and stress reducer. I sent the book to Colleen after our first discussion about forgiveness. After she read the book, she said, “It’s not about people who’ve been through murders Lorenn, it’s about friends and stuff like that.” Colleen was not ready to forgive anyone for what happened to her husband, or her life.

I respected Colleen’s decision to be unforgiving. I believe all adults are the experts of their own lives and everyone knows what is best for themselves. Listening to people helps them figure out what they need and what they want. I only explained my understanding of forgiveness to Colleen. Being a lawyer and trained advocate, besides a health educator and facilitator, I did not want to influence or argue with Colleen that she should adopt my view, but I admit that I silently hoped someday she might come to see forgiveness the way Fred Luskin does.

The restorative dialogue was originally scheduled for June at Walla Walla prison, but it was abruptly canceled. “Prison security issues” arose after William’s bunk mate was allegedly found with marijuana in their cell. The prison administration canceled the meeting due to this infraction.

Colleen, Melissa and William were upset and shaken about the prison’s decision. Colleen especially felt re-victimized by the system that she thought should be protecting her. “How can his bunk mate stop me from meeting with Schorr? It’s all I’ve thought about for months. This can’t be happening,” she cried. A compelling and strong advocate, Colleen took her complaints to the prison administration.

William also felt defeated. While he feared meeting Colleen and Melissa, he desperately wanted them to have the opportunity to hear his answers to any of their questions about Bob’s last moments, and anything that might help them. He went to his counselors and asked them to help get the meeting rescheduled. I also abandoned my mainly listener and facilitator role, and actively advocated for the meeting.

Reason and compassion prevailed. After about 3 weeks the prison administration reconsidered and allowed the restorative dialogue to be rescheduled. Everyone was relieved that the months spent preparing were not in vain, and there would be a chance for the three to meet and tell their stories. All were anxious about meeting. Bob’s loss would forever leave a wound, perhaps a scared wound at most. Knowing that they would meet gave all three a slight hope that some kind of healing might be possible.

The meeting occurred on a dark cloudy day, and took about 4 hours. They were some of the most intense hours I have ever witnessed. The dialogue and outcomes were “unbelievable” according to prison staff and other observers.

At the end of the meeting Colleen said she wasn’t “ready to forgive,” but she sobbed and tightly hugged William. Earlier she has said, “You seem like a nice guy.” “I’m sorry we’re meeting under these circumstances,” William replied.

Many of us cried during the dialogue including some strong looking men with many years experience as correctional officers. After Colleen hugged William, so did Melissa, and so did I. “It was the first time I was hugged in seven years,” said William afterwards.

I have kept in contact with Colleen, Melissa and William since the restorative dialogue and plan to indefinitely. Each one of their voices sounds stronger, they are more cheerful, and they are more hopeful about the future. “My life is completely changed for the better,” said Colleen. “It’s like my mom’s back” said Melissa. “I can sleep better,” said William.

Bob Shapel must never be forgotten, nor the horrible cause of his death. Restorative dialogues, victim offender mediations, and any restorative practice, absolutely do not need to lead to forgiveness. Colleen and Melissa’s compassion, extended after they met with William and saw he was not a “horrible monster,” however, has freed them to live happier lives. Their compassion has also allowed William too to find some meaning in his imprisonment, which now is about working to help other incarcerated people reenter the community and avoid the wrong choices he made. Finally their compassion has inspired many people, including me.

I will forever appreciate the Washington prison department for allowing this dialogue to occur (many prisons do not allow them at all); the Oprah Winfrey network for its work educating people about restorative justice; and Colleen, Melissa and William who were brave enough to face and share their pain so others might benefit.

Halden’s focus on how to treat imprisoned people humanely works to decrease repeat criminal behavior as illustrated in its 20% recidivism rate 2 years after release.

An interview with a man imprisoned at Halden affirmed the value of its humane approach. According to the man, Halden is a “fantastic” prison compared to the other 5 he has been in. He said he felt “safer” in Halden because the other imprisoned people are not angry and not hostile as they were in the other prisons he was in. There are less fights and people are all around friendlier at Halden. “Sure people have their bad days, but they don’t get violent here. If they do we will calm them down and let them know it is not the prison officers [guards] fault we are in prison!”

The man attributed this stark difference in attitude to the positive relationships that the imprisoned people have with the prison officers who call people by their names, eat with them, and do other things that show they regard those incarcerated humanely.

The man also said he has been able to cope and find “tomorrow is always another day no matter what happens in life” by concentrating on living in the present moment and not getting carried away by negative thoughts. While we talked he was busy baking a cake for the other 11 people in his dorm. They each have a small cell that is nicely furnished and includes small refrigerators & a bathroom.

There is also a special “guest house” at Halden where people with families and younger children can request to spend the night. This “carrot” for good behavior apparently helps because besides Halden’s low recidivism, the people working and incarcerated there, appear healthier and happier than I have ever seen in the many prisons I have visited, with the exception of the APAC prisons in Minas Garias, Brazil.

Halden also is expanding its restorative justice services for imprisoned people.

Eglash’s paper reportedly is the first time the term restorative justice was used. See Bazemore: http://www.gwu.edu/~ccps/Bazemore.html

In his paper Eglash says: “A restorative approach of creative restitution accepts both free will and psychological determinism. It redefines past responsibility in terms of damage or harm done, and can therefore accept psychological determinism for our past behavior without destroying the concept of our being responsible for what we have done. Similarly, it redefines present responsibility in terms of our ability or capacity for constructive, remedial action and can therefole accept free will for our present, ongoing behavior and for our future contemplated behavior, without destroying scientific explanations of past behavior. Only in legislative justice are determinations of past and present responsibility independent.” p. 91

Eglash also said in the paper that: “For me, restorative justice and restitution, like its two alternatives, punish- ment and treatment, is concerned primarily with offenders. Any benefit to victims is a bonus, gravy, but not the meat and potatoes of the process.” p. 99

Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D. writes about her fascinating experience as a Harvard trained brain scientist who suffered a stoke in My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journal.

I was fortunate to read Dr. Taylor’s book during a recent 6 hour train ride from New York City to Rochester.

Dr. Taylor insightfully discusses how she healed both physically and emotionally, and says:

Emotional healing was a tediously slow process but well worth the effort. As my left brain became stronger, it seemed natural for me to want to “blame” other people or external events for my feelings or circumstances. But realistically, I knew that no one had the power to make me feel anything, except for me and my brain. Nothing external to me had the power to take away my peace of heart and mind. That was completely up to me. I may not be in total control of what happens in my life, but I certainly am in charge of how I choose to perceive my experience. p. 127

Restorative justice offers us an opportunity to find meaning in painful and harmful experiences. Restorative justice never condones bad behavior, but gives us some hope that we can make our lives more resilient and our hearts stronger and braver, by facing our pain.

We don’t have to personally meet with people who have hurt us either. We can apply a restorative response on our own just like Dr. Taylor did with herself and find some emotional healing.

For more check out her website: http://drjilltaylor.com/index.html

After working with restorative justice for the last 15 years, I think this principal needs to be more carefully considered, and can be abandoned in some cases.

A restorative approach asking, “who was hurt, how, and what could be done to help them repair the harm?” when an injustice occurs, could be used by someone wrongfully convicted and imprisoned. People wrongfully convicted have been harmed and their loved ones have been harmed.

Recently, I saw how successfully RJ was used by someone who has steadfastly maintained innocence, and who does not take responsibility for the crimes she is in prison for.

The woman is serving several life sentences for crimes that she has denied since being convicted after a trial about 20 years ago. She was 18 when she went into prison and she has not seen two of her now adult children since then. Most of her children want a relationship with her and she wants one with them. The woman learned about restorative justice in a course we provide* in the prison, and she used an RJ process to focus how she could restore her relationship with her children, and address the harm caused them and herself, by her teenage drug use and her imprisonment.

The pain of losing a parent and losing children is huge and often the result when mothers and fathers go to prison. In this case both the children and the mother were able to hear and express their feelings and thoughts. It was a heartwarming process where not only was there some healing of the wounds caused from losing a vital loved one, but the woman also saw her sister for the first time in 18 years.

The woman takes responsibility for continuing to work on repairing her relationship with her children, and maintaining a clean and sober life style. It is consistent with what John Braithwaite and Shadd Maruna, two foremost leaders in justice reform, believe: that we should focus on getting people to address what they can do in the future to make things right and let go of our desire to make people admit guilt. See: Maruna & Mann, (2006). Fundamental Attribution Errors? Re-Thinking Cognitive Distortions. Legal and Crimiiological Psychology, 11, 155-177.

* A Gift of Listening for Hawaii’s Inmates, Walker & Sakai, Corrections Today, December 2006

It’s always been pretty easy for me to be compassionate and forgiving of others, but when it comes to myself I tend to be unrelenting in intolerance for my failures, which intellectually I KNOW are not really bad, but the way we learn. Knowing something, however, is totally different from feeling something.

Compassion is an emotion not a cognitive function, and emotionally, like A LOT of people who grow up with Western culture, being kind to myself is difficult.

Yesterday I discovered this wonderful website all about self-compassion. It was developed by professor Kristin Neff who has done research into self-compassion including its health benefits. A book will be published about Dr. Neff’s work in April 2011.

On the website you can take an assessment to measure how much compassion you give yourself. If your score is low you can also practice some of the exercises Dr. Neff provides on increasing the compassion you show yourself.

Restorative justice is also a path to self-compassion, it opens our hearts and helps us heal, even for ourselves.

Reentry & Transition Planning Circles are based on the principles and practices of restorative justice (RJ) and solution-focused brief therapy (SF) approaches. The Circles can be used for people leaving any sort of confinement, including residential drug treatment programs. This experiential training will prepare reentry case managers, facilitators—and anyone interested in assisting others with change—to lead or support Transition Planning Circles, including Family and Modified Circles.

Family Circles are three-hour, group planning sessions for incarcerated people and their families, other inmates and prison staff or case managers. Modified Circles are held when
inmates want to participate but their families cannot join in the process.

Learn How To:
• identify people’s strengths
• use RJ & SF to promote protective factors for resiliency
• ask restorative questions to promote reconciliation
• assist people in identifying their preferred futures
• listen mindfully and compassionately to troubled people
• initiate solution-building and respond positively to problem-talk
• deliver positive feedback and suggest homework for people to practice SF thinking
• interview people and their selected loved ones and other supporters
• facilitate and record Circles
• convene, deliver and prepare Circle Summary transition plans

Register for the training by visiting: http://www.pirirochester.org/ or email lorenn@hawaii.rr.com